Mail Order Mistress
by Wolf and Bo Mistress
Summary: Walter is a bored bachellor. A little clipping in the newspaper changes everything. AU WxI
1. It Begins

1 Hello all! This is my first story up in forever, and it's a little strange, since I'm still trying to figure my writing style out, but... Yeah. I'm working on it. This is a little thing I thought of while rummaging around the inside of my head. Hope you enjoy it. The pairing is obviously Walter and Integra, since I find the pairing so charmingly inappropriate. :3 There might be hints of Alucard and Seras later in the story, but I'm not sure yet.

Disclaimer: Honestly, do you think I'd be wasting my time if I DID own this stuff? I do not own Hellsing. (Though, I really, really wish I did. It's amazing.)

Here's the chappie!

Mail Order Mistress

For the millionth time in that hour, Walter sighed to himself. He was so bored. Nothing interesting was going on in his life for the past few weeks. Sure, his friend Alucard (everyone agreed it was a strange name, but the tall, dark man only shrugged and chuckled darkly) would find something for him to do, but… It usually involved making some other person's life a living hell; therefore, Walter didn't enjoy it as much as Alucard.

Turning a page in his newspaper while taking a rather large gulp of his coffee, Walter updated his brain on what was happening in the world. Nothing good so far, but since there was nothing else to do, the poor man couldn't help himself. Too bad both the crossword puzzle and the Sudoku puzzle were already finished in the back…

Shaking his head, the twenty-six year-old flicked his eyes over today's newspaper, and almost turned the page when a certain title to a very short entry caught his attention. It scared him that he was even remotely interested in someone so desperate to put something like this in the newspaper, where _anyone_ could see it. Helpless to stop himself, he read the description and request of the meager portion.

.

**SEEKING COMPANION**

**Caucasian Protestant female, long ash blonde hair with blue eyes searching for a companion to help run major family business. E-mail posted below, send short biography and picture.**

Once again, Walter sighed. Turning to his old laptop, he signed into his e-mail and began working on a short biography. He needed something to do, and being a 'companion,' as this woman put it, sounded better than what he was doing now. Vaguely, he wondered what his payment would be, and if it would be better than his previous job of working as a gardener. He had to quit his job, the lady whom hired him did not pay him enough, and was sexually harassing him. It amused him at one point, but it soon got to be too far, and he had to put and end to it. The woman was married, and had three children. Shaking his head at the memory, Walter began working on the short summary of his life so far. He would be sure to mention his gardening and organization skills. Not to mention his martial arts and weapons training. He wasn't quite sure what this lady was looking for, but he thought it would interest her to know that he could protect himself, or his employer if it ever came to that. He, however left out a good amount of his past. He wasn't really what you would call a nice kid in his grade-school years. Not many friends, several attacks, some leading to life-or-death fights, and no girlfriends left him a confused, angry, and aggressive. As the years passed, however, he learned to become calmer, quieter, sneakier, and more cunning, and if anyone attacked him, he would stay calm, avoid attacks, while also being the one who walked away.

It still made him chuckle at the thought of the feeble attempts several had made to steal his wallet, and how they ended up handing theirs over instead.

Alucard grinned at remembrance of the entry he put in the newspaper for his Master. He SO hoped that they started sending entries soon. This would definitely get Integra off his back. She seriously needed a head butler, not to mention that she seriously needed to get laid. Like, really, really bad. He'd do it himself, but… Well, he didn't think Integra would be that into it. She never trusted him, nor did she look at him like that. He was a father or big brother of sorts to her. Ever since her dad died, Alucard watched over her, as the Dark King was bound to her side, and was forced to keep the icy girl safe from any and every enemy. Quicker (actually, slower than his liking) the little girl became a woman much more mature than her age. She was seven years ahead of herself, making the poor twenty-three year-old mentally thirty. It must have seemed a long time for the human woman. Chuckling to himself as he walked through the now truly dead ghoul-infested forest back to headquarters. The FREAK was silenced, and his work was done. He hoped there was a good amount of blood packs in his chamber. He was hungry. The FREAK actually put up a good fight this time, and the amount of ghouls he had to mow down annoyed the hell out of him.

Phasing in front of Integra's desk, Alucard grinned evilly to his boss and gave a bow.

"Master… I have finished my mission."

Integra looked up from her work, cigar in mouth, looking weary and stressed nodded and narrowed her eyes at the vampire in front of her.

"The Target has been silenced. There were many ghouls, but nothing I couldn't handle. However, it was very… irritating."

"Recruits aren't common these days, servant… Your problems must be dealt with by yourself."

Nodding curtly, Alucard's grin fell slightly. "I understand, Master."

The vampire vanished before her very eyes, but not before stirring her very neatly stacked papers into a form of disarray all over the room. His cackle could be heard throughout the mansion as he descended into his chamber. The following yell of aggravation echoed it, though, it just might have been louder.

The night could only get more beautiful…

Integra growled at the papers that flew across the room. She didn't even bother to pick them up. Too much stress caused her to be so worked up.

… Speaking of worked up, Integra wondered how full her e-mail box would be after that stupid entry that her vampire put in the damned newspaper. Turning to her new laptop- a surprise birthday gift from her employees- and accessing her e-mail address, she saw that her thoughts weren't disappointed.

A hundred people sent her e-mails… and the most recent one was sent five minutes ago. That could only mean that there were more to come.

After going through several of the profiles- and sending to almost all of them rejections- she reached a most interesting profile… The man's name was Walter C. Dornelaz, and judging by his profile he was very loyal, and didn't talk much. He sounded damn near perfect for being a butler. Almost too perfect, really. Wanting to know more about his past, Integra sent a reply requesting to know a little more, then turned to pay attention to his picture. He wasn't really bad looking, she had to admit. It was unusual that he was so young, yet his hair had a slight sheen to it, and was a very dark grey; close to black, but not close enough. What really intrigued her was his eyes; how they would hold such wisdom, yet humor. It was like looking at someone's grandpa, who had seen several battles, and, yet, still managed to crack a joke and tell humorous stories that took place in those battles. They were also a lovely shade of dark blue. They reminded her of some sort of jewel. Sighing and shaking her thoughts away from this man, she clicked on the link back to her inbox and found that Walter had replied.

'_My past is not a good one, but if you must know, I was a fighter. A delinquent of sorts, but made passing grades in school and succeeded in requiring all the necessary knowledge of becoming a gardener, an artist, or a butler- something that you are needing, correct?_

_If I might be so arrogant, what is the name of my future employer?'_

Integra smirked at the e-mail and quickly typed him back.

_Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing._

Appropriate place to end it, no? Lol. Review if you'd like. It encourages me to update faster.


	2. What do YOU do for a living?

Holy crap! Six reviews, most of which happened during the first two days?! ... I do believe that's a record for me. Well, so far, anyway. Well, here's the second installment to Mail Order Mistress (ha ha. M.O.M.) Hope everyone likes it. I will warn you, though. I typed this up while running a 100 degree F. temperature. So, if it's a little fucked (excuse my language) in places... Yeah. That's why.

Replies to Reviews (because I'm a nice personcough, and I think that the reviews should be acknowleged)

**Starring Lady G: **EEk?! It has? Thank you, Macy-chan!

**Tensai-chan:**... is searching for said plotline err... yeah. Plotline. Right. Needs one of those. It WILL appear sooner or later (I have one in mind, but it'll be vague until it slaps both the author and whoever is reading it in the face. (don't worry, it'll hit me first, believe me.) And thank you for the compliments. I hope you continue to read and enjoy.

**flynalien:**glad I could humor you then. Don't worry! I will continue the story. For the story MUST go on. (okay, enough Moulin Rouge for me.)

**BigKwell:** I can't wait either! My fingers itch to continue...! (especially after 6 reviews so far!)

**asdf:**...I'm not much of an AxI fan. In fact, I'm NOT an AxI fan. Sorry. Though, now that I look at the whole picture of this story, there is some _slight_very slight AxI stuff going on. That is, if you're looking in the right light. Guess I'm not so biased after all...

**raefactor:** thank you for being the very first to review my story! And what a long review, not to mention helpful. I didn't think twice about the laptop thing, until I read your reveiw. Let's just say that she was very busy, and couldn't find enough time. Oh, and I think you'll like Walter's reaction.

**Thank you all for reviewing and I look forward to seeing new opinions, comments, and constructive criticism.**

**-Wolf And Bo Mistress**

**Mail Order Mistress**

ch.2

Walter stared blankly at the bright screen in front of him in utter disbelief. Integra _Hellsing. Hellsing._

Hellsing was in Bram Stoker's novel. Hellsing was a vampire slayer. Vampires... didn't exist.

Well, then again, he had always had his suspicions about– Holy mother of Jesus. Alucard, Dracula.

If there was ever a moment in time where Walter C. Dornelaz felt like fainting, it would have been _now._

Then again, maybe Alucard's parents just had a vampire fetish or something, and Miss Integra's found Hellsing a much better last name than their previous.

Shaking his head to clear away the unbidden thoughts, Walter quickly typed back a reply complementing her pretty- yet very long- name. Then, unable to help himself, he asked her what her family business did.

After a few minutes of waiting, he got the reply he most dreaded:

_I shall tell you when we meet, Walter._

Below the message, there was a time, and an address that Walter quickly copied to a scrap piece of paper that just happened to be around (and he always kept a pen on him, just in case). He vaguely recognized this address, but dismissed it and concentrated on the task at hand, which was replying with a polite thank you, yes ma'am, and a final goodnight. After receiving a goodnight in return from his employer, Walter shut down the small laptop, and turned to the bed. It looked so welcoming at the moment... He had stayed awake too long.

Setting his alarm clock to an hour and a half before the time he was supposed to meet Ms. Integra (he guessed she wasn't married, if she were, why wouldn't have the man sent out a request?), Walter collapsed onto his rather messy bed and fell into a sleep filled with dreams of vampires, a woman with long ash colored hair, and blood.

It really didn't help that his hair was still wet from the shower. It really didn't. Walter was all ready for his meeting, but his hair was deciding to be a pain in the neck. Growling to himself as he began tying his black tie underneath the collar of his black with white pinstripe long-sleeved shirt. He then examined himself in the mirror. A little dark, but approachable, he thought. Damn good if he were to be arrogant. That was, if his hair wasn't still wet!

Glaring at the object of his current despisal, he began thinking of ways he could fix his problem. If he had a blow-dryer, there was a good chance he would risk looking like he had an afro, but fortunately, he did not own one. So, he decided tying it back like he usually did would be the best option. It would help his employer recognize him. After all, he had it pulled back in the picture he sent her, if his memory was correct.

The ponytail was a little messy, and a few strands fell into his hair, but it only made the John Bull look better. Attaching his chained wallet to the belt holding up his black jeans, Walter began making his way out to meet this Integra Hellsing. He could only hope he made a good first impression.

Integra glared at her 'pet' vampire.

"Servant, you mean to tell me you _know_ this Walter?"

"Yes. And he's... almost perfect for the job that you are seeking a worker for. You have nothing to worry about from him. If you did, do you think I'd let you go to meet him?" the vampire in red smirked back. The sun was up, and he was tired, but he could not let the woman-master in front of him to know.

Integra narrowed her eyes, then rubbed the bridge of her nose between her eyes in frustration. This could only make things a little more complicated.

"Does he know what you are, servant?"

"No, but I assume that he has his suspicions."

Integra searched for her cigar case, and upon finding it, pulled one out, clipped off the end and placed it in her mouth before searching for a lighter. The vampire beat her to it, and snapped his thumb and middle finger together to create a black flame, and held it towards her. Integra, thankful, but unwilling to admit so, leaned slightly forward to light the death stick currently in her mouth.

"Master?"

"Yes, Alucard?"

"What time did you say you were to meet Walter?" The vampire named Alucard

Integra, looking up at the clock, sighed roughly in aggravation, and stood before walking to her room and to her wardrobe. She had already picked out an outfit to wear to this meeting, and fortunately, Alucard or a maid hadn't come in to move it elsewhere. It was formal enough, but not formal like the suits she usually wore around the mansion. Besides, the restaurant, Bon Son, wasn't very formal.

She personally knew the owner to the restaurant and he had eagerly reserved a secluded table for two near the back of the place for the 'Hellsing Princess' as Tammy would call her.

Looking over her shoulder, and all around for that matter, to make sure that the vampire wasn't around to get a free strip tease (though, he would only be teasing himself), Inegra sighed and quickly shed her business suit and pulled on a white tailored, long-sleeved shirt, a black sleeveless pinstriped over-jacket, and a pair of black slacks. She wore her normal dress shoes underneath, and pulled a chain cross necklace over her head and around her neck. The cross dangled just above the swell of her breast.

A low whistle sounded behind her as she pulled her hair out from under the necklace and over her back. Her eyes narrowed in aggravation as soon as she heard the very low note fly over and into her ears.

"You must really like this man, my master..." The vampire behind her chuckled, "I haven't seen you dress so finely, even for that Vatican pig."

Luckily for him, Alucard phased through the floor before a silver bullet shot through the area where his crotch was only milliseconds before. His resounding laugh echoed throughout the room as Integra replaced her lit cigar onto her lips. Mumbling angrily to herself around said cigar, she called her driver to prepare her Bentley and two bodyguards for her departure.

Alucard never called anyone 'good' or 'perfect' and for his and Walter's sake, Walter had better be as the vampire said. Otherwise, she'd have to do this whole damn search thing anew.

And what a _bother_ that was.

--

So, what do you think? I think I should start writing longer chapters. They're so short, in my opinion... I'm going to try and make the next chapter well over 2000 words next time and escalate from there. Until then... Review if you like, it encourages me to update faster.


	3. Our Name is Hellsing, We Bid You Welcome

OMG! YES!! I managed to get this OVER 2,000 words! (2,180 to be exact) Which is amazing for me. I hope everyone enjoys this as much as I did writing it. Or rather, more than I did writing it. It took me so long to find proper inspiration, and listening to classical music seemed to help. I think this is the only time I think I will ever thank Beethoven for his amazing works of art.

**Tensai-chan:** I love you and your understanding!! Yes, I think that's what my brain has in store for me... Who knows. Thank you so much for your second reveiw to this story!

**blacksand1: **I updated! Sorry if it took so long... Here's the story.

--

During his walk to Bon Son, Walter eagerly awaited the meeting of Ms. Integra Hellsing, and hopefully the woman he'd be working for. Really, he really hoped she'd hire him. He didn't know how much longer he'd be able to hold up against his aching boredom and random jobs that he's been living off of. Mowing lawns and cleaning the kitchens of random people he know who needed it nearly drove him crazy. It didn't help that they always looked at him kind of funny.

Speaking of crazy, Walter wondered just where his potential vampire _acquaintance_ disappeared to. He hadn't seen the psycho in a little over a month now. Probably neck-deep in the jobs that his 'slave-driver boss' issued him.

Throwing the trench-coat wearing, trigger happy bastard out of his thoughts for now, Walter chuckled to himself. He'd been doing that a lot lately. And he really needed a cigarette. Bad. Unfortunately, he quit the 'bad habit' a few years ago, and no longer carried the coffin nails, nor the torch to light them with in his pockets. So, he kicked a can that he noticed on the sidewalk.

Children, who were once playing hop-scotch, stopped and stared at the dark passer-by curiously. The noise must have drawn their attention. A young girl, wearing a bright yellow sun dress, white slip-on shoes with a bright yellow daisy on them, and apparently one of the braver of the kids, ran up to him with a bright smile.

"Hey, misshter, what'ssh your name?" she asked, keeping the wide smile. Walter noticed that her two front teeth were missing and explained the lisp that she had.

"I'm Walter." he replied, giving her a similar smile out of pure inability to keep the smile off his face, "What's yours young lady?"

The girl crossed her legs and drew a circle on the ground with her shoe, "My name is Sherry, Misshter Walter."

"That's a very pretty name, Sherry."

As he said it, he considered the fact that it was also the name of an alcoholic drink. Her parents must be wackos to name their child that! He glanced at the can on the side of the street, then at his watch. He had fifteen minutes, tops.

"Say, do you and your friends know how to play Kick the Kan?"

After three minutes of showing the kids how to play, which was simple: 'Here's the base, and the other one's over there... and you kick the can!' Walter shamelessly joined them in for a few games (or rather, one really long-lasting game). He then glanced at his watch again and very nearly cursed aloud. He had _three _minutes to get to Bon Son. Being late was _not_ an option. He hated being late. Quickly, he said his goodbyes to the children, and ruffled the short hair of Sherry, then took off. Anyone who wasn't really concentrating would just see a dark grey blur as Walter ran past.

When he saw Bon Son up ahead, he slowed himself to a brisk walk and looked around for anything that might resemble his mental picture of Integra Hellsing. He checked his breathing, which wasn't heavy, he was in good shape, but it was heavier than his normal pattern. His heart, however, was beating very fast from the rush of adrenaline to get here, and the anxiety of meeting his future employer.

It wasn't long before a woman, who looked to be around the same age as he, with long, longer than Walter thought of, ash blonde hair exited a black Bentley that he didn't notice come around the corner.

First of all, Walter was shocked he didn't notice a freaking BENTLEY heading towards the restaurant, and second, he was shocked at the air of strength the woman had around her. It was like she didn't want to be approached in any way. Another thing he noticed were the two bodyguards protecting the young woman. Surely she didn't expect to be attacked in the middle of nowhere? Nonetheless, Walter felt as if it were his duty to meet her at the door, and open it for her like the gentleman he was. So, he set out to do just that.

Putting a small smile to his face, he calmly walked to the entrance and waited for her there, patiently.

The woman noticed him and nodded, telling him she recognized him. Which was good. If he had been mistaken, he wasn't sure what he would have done, but it would have been embarassing.

"Mr. Dorneaz." It wasn't a question, she seemed to know exactly who she was talking to. And her voice matched her strong air perfectly, even as she pushed her glasses back off the tip of her nose.

"Ms. Hellsing." Walter nodded, bowing slightly as he opened the door for her and her bodyguards to pass through.

He noticed something else when she passed. She smelled of cigars, with a strong hint of vanilla. Not a smell that he found bad at all. And he didn't think that was a perfume either. At least, he hoped not.

Following her inside, and later all the way to the back of the restaurant, Walter continued to keep his small smile. They sat at a table for two with her bodyguards sitting at a nearby table, keeping close watch.

"In the most recent e-mail that you sent me, Mr. Dorneaz, you asked what my organization does, correct?"

Wow, this woman was straight to the point.

"Yes, ma'am. And, please, call me Walter."

"Alright, Walter... You have read the book Dracula, I'm sure?"

He didn't like where this was going.

"Yes, ma'am." Walter sighed, and made direct eye contact with the woman in front of him.

"I'm guessing Hellsing still does what it did in the book. You slay vampires."

Integra's eyebrow twitched, his guessing out of annoyance, but the corner of her mouth also tweaked.

"You figured this through your own devices, and you have not told anyone else, I'm hoping."

Walter smiled, and closed his eyes, taking a breath.

"I was hoping I was wrong, really. I never really did not believe in Vampires, and werewolves and such, but I never really believed in them, either. I'm guessing they are very real, then. And no, ma'am, I have not spoken with anyone else about these things."

She muttered something under her breath, and his ears must have deceived him, because he was almost certain he heard Alucard's name.

"Good."

The rest of the meeting went well. They didn't order any food, but Walter was glad to know that Bon Son served a good Earl Grey tea, something they both, to his amusement, liked.

She never laughed, only smiled slightly. She had a very good wit about her, which she was not afraid to lash at him with. Walter slowly felt himself become more and more comfortable with her.

"So, Walter, when would you like to start your job?"

"As soon as you will allow me, Ms. Hellsing."

The woman gave him an almost creepy smile, which vaguely resembled Alucard's.

"Then I will come and pick you up at excactly twelve 'o' clock, noon tomorrow. Pack your bags and be ready to move out of your apartment by then. That is your first order."

Walter would have bowed to her order.

"Yes, ma'am. I will be packed and ready for more orders in that time."

"Good."

She began to stand, and Walter, being the gentleman he was, stood before her hastily, pushed his chair in, and bowed, his hand crossing the middle of his torso.

After saying their goodbyes, Walter began heading home. On his way, he noticed that all the children were gone from the street, but the can remained. It sat underneath some bushes- not exactly hidden, but not in plain sight, either. He smiled and continued his walk, happily humming one of his favorite tunes.

"_I see skies of blue... and clouds of white..."_

When Walter finally got inside and instantly began packing his things into a black and navy duffel bag that he himself could have fit in. Hell, he figured he could fit a cannon in there. Well, if he wanted to.

Within two hours, Walter had fit everything except for tomorrow's clothes, his toothbrush, toothpaste, etc., into the duffel bag. So, he sat down on the couch to relax for a moment or two.

"Hello, Little Angel."

Walter jumped from the couch and glared at the man who was currently standing in the dark corner of his living room. He relaxed when he saw that it was only Alucard.

"Would it kill you to knock every once and a while?"

And just to annoy him even more, Alucard knocked on the wall twice.

"Better?" The pale man asked rhetorically before making himself comfortable in one of Walter's chairs. "So, you're going to work for Hellsing now."

"... What do you know about it?"

"Plenty. I work there as well, but a much, much different job than you will do. Hopefully."

"Really, now? So you slay vampires?"

Alucard went silent. His grin said the answer, and the words were useless.

"I'll take that as I 'I enjoy my job.'" Walter sighed and stared at the man before him.

"Damn straight. Destroying those fakes is worth all the troubles my Master puts me through."

"Your 'Master'?" Walter inquired, curious, and almost alarmed. Whoever he called Master must be very, very strong willed.

"Yes... You've met her, actually. And will be working for her. Integra Fairbrooke Wingates Hellsing."

Walter's jaw dropped, then he shook his head.

"... Please explain this to me, in full detail, if you don't mind."

Alucard's grin grew to where it almost split his face. There was a small vibration in the room, something that almost alarmed Walter.

"My Master gave me permission, so I will. Over five-hundred years ago..."

Walter listened intently to Alucard's story, staying quiet and when Alucard stopped, Walter was almost quivering in sheer withheld laughter. It was so much to comprehend in one moment.

"So you _are _a vampire. I had my suspicions... Though, just to be sure, prove it."

That's when Alucard disappeared from his chair, and reappeared next to Walter on the couch. This time, Walter leapt from his seat and nearly tripped over the coffee table.

"Bloody hell!"

Alucard only smirked at him, then stood.

"There's your proof, Angel. But you won't have much to worry about you, unless the circumstances call for it, won't be dealing with these things. Just in case, however, you should sharpen you 'wire' skills. How long has it been since you last practiced?"

Walter eyed the vampire, then chuckled.

"Well over a year, I'm afraid."

"Start practicing. You're going to be my Master's right hand human. And if anything happens to her while I am away while you are at her side, the consequences are very, very great." Alucard said, taking off his sunglasses and revealing the orange-red of his eyes.

The cold in his voice and the color of his eyes sent Walter's body into a state of rigidness. He was dead serious, pun not intended.

"I understand perfectly, and I will do, to the best of my abilities, to protect her, Sir Alucard."

The vampire laughed, then patted the shoulder of his Angel.

"It will be in your best interest to call me that while in the presence of my Master and any of the filth she hires to protect the Queen."

It was Walter's turn to laugh.

"I take it you aren't very fond of the human race."

Alucard scoffed, then growled.

"It's humans who create the trash that I'm forced to take out every night."

Walter raised an eyebrow at this in alarm, and before he could ask, the vampire provided the answer.

"We call them FREAKS. They're artificial vampires created by FREAK microchips, and lately, they've been increasing in numbers, creating ghouls, and in general being a huge nuisance."

Walter nodded in understanding. He had read enough vampire lore to know what a ghoul was.

"Are they able to take different forms, like the myth, or supposed truth says."

Alucard scoffed again. "No. They are weak, very weak. And pathetic. A mere ghost of what I am. And it's our duty to kill the little fuckers off."

After finishing his little rant, another vibration went through the room.

"My Master calls. I shall see you tomorrow, Angel."

"Goodbye, Alucard."

Opening up a portal of darkness that had the lights flickering, Alucard disappeared slowly, the last thing to go being his wide, evil smirk.

This, Walter felt, was going to be one hell of a job.

--

--

EE! Alright, there was the third chapter. Hope you liked it. Please review. It means so much to an authoress when someone puts in their opinion. It's not so much the fact that it's your opinion, but the fact that you'll actually take the time to do so. :3

I 3 MY READERS!!


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